she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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