Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize