You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
