Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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