does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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