Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
