No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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