you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
