She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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