Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
