In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
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