Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize