I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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