i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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