I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
