just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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