Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
