I think my fart just growled at me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
