what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
