This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
