why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
