i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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