i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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