dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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