and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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