I wish my penis had an off switch
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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