i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
