Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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