I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
