i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
