i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
