he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
