Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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