I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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