So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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