Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
