Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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