Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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