remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
