I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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