I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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