peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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