oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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