Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
