Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
