just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize