One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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