cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
