I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
