Your dad touched me again.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I need a beard to bite.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
