I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
