ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My feet surprised me
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize