I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize