One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize