Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
