this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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