I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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