..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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