I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
