Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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