So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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