This is not my ceiling
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
